"Classic--a book which people praise and don't read". - Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar by Mark Twain

I hate Dracula. 

There I said it. Well I typed it. And I’ll type it again, this time in bold caps, I HATE DRACULA! Everyone looks at me like I’m nuts when I say this. And I’ve come to learn that most people who say this to me have never actually read the book. They’ve only see clips (not the whole movie) from Nosferatu, or the laughable Francis Ford Coppola version (which, ironically, is pretty faithful to the novel). And Keanu Reeves is in it and he’s terrible (but, ironically, a perfect casting choice for Jonathan Harker). Coppola redeems himself because this version also stars Gary Oldman and Anthony Hopkins. And let’s face it, they’re pure awesome. These are the same people who also slap me in the face with the oh-so wonderful argument of, “Well you just don’t get it”. No actually, I do get it because, as it turns out, I am not an idiot. (Though admittedly I do have my moments. And if you don’t have these moments, then you truly are an idiot for not being able to see when you screw up). I am quit capable of reading, comprehending, analyzing, and interpreting literature through a plethora of different points of view and criticisms. I have three pieces of paper from two different credited University’s saying so. So there.

I had to read this god awful book three times in my life; once in high school high school, once in undergrad, and once in grad school. The first time I read it and didn’t like it, I thought it was me. Maybe I wasn’t smart enough to “get it”. The second time was in my history of the Grotesque in undergrad, which was an awesome class overall, but still didn’t like this book. This time around, I thought, it’s really close to spring semester finals and I’m just stressed out and unfocused. Finally, in grad school, I realized it wasn’t me. I really loathed this book. BUT, as I said, I am not an idiot, so there are aspects of the novel I do appreciate and do see and understand why it is part of the literature cannon in academia. Doesn’t make me like the book though. 

Ok here is my list of reason why I hate Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

1.) Jonathan Harker (and his gang of idiots, John Seward, Arthur Holmwood, and Quincey Morris, but I’ll get to them later) is the dumbest “hero” in all of English Literature. If he’s not the dumbest, then he’s at least in the top five. If you go to a foreign country and you say to the natives, “Hey, see that big scary castle over there! You know, the one that’s home to a enigmatic, creepy dude. I’m going to stay there a while.” And the natives response is to shove garlic and a crucifix in your pocket while begging you not to go to the castle also known to them as “The place no one comes out alive”. You probably shouldn’t go. Harker is the one who started this whole mess of a book by excepting Dracula’s invitation to help him secure a real estate transaction. Seriously? Real estate? Boring. 

Now as I’ve stated before, I am not an idiot. I know that Harker has to go into the castle, because if he didn’t it would be a five page story (which would have been fine with me). And the fact that Harker ignores the natives plea is also a point about self-importance of imperialistic England thinking they knew better. I’m not 100% sure if this was Stoker’s intention, because many Stoker scholars has stated that he was oblivious to the sexual undertones in his own novel. So, a political statement about imperialism seems unlikely. 

Later Harker, a long with the rest of the idiot squad (Seward, Arthur, and Quincey), are unaware and question for far to long, if Dracula fed  on Mina or not. Really??? The third act of this novel, Mina is happy, then she’s sad, then she can’t stop crying, then she’s happy again, then she can’t get out of bed, and then happy aga... oh wait she needs a tissue cause she’s crying again! Clearly either she is being controlled by thousand year old demon, THAT YOU’RE CHASING!, or she has the worst case of PMS ever and is in serious need of a Midol. And remember, these are the same geniuses who decapitated Lucy earlier in the novel, who had similar “symptoms” as Mina. Which brings up another point of why I hate this book; good girls who follow the rules get saved, other chicks get metaphorically gang-banged (Seward, Arthur, and Quincey all taking turns putting their “stakes” through Lucy) and have their heads cut off. Oh yeah, these are the heroes I want saving me. 

2.) Van Helsing. Okay, I can hear a few people in my head right now. “Van Helsing is awesome!”, “He’s the smart one!”, “He knows how to defeat the Count!”. Yeah Van Helsing is a cool IDEA for a character. Van Helsing is a rarity in Victorian literature because, while very religious, he is open enough to learn and understand Dracula’s capabilities and true evil. He also takes a logical and scientific approach when trying to figure out how to defeat the mystical Dracula. Awesome!

Van Helsing..... does not..... shut.... the hell.... UP! Frodo and Sam made it to Mordor and back before this double-talking jag-off makes his point! His letter’s (<-- and if I have to explain that, you clearly haven’t read this book) go on and on and on and ON! And he repeats himself more than Polonius! (That’s a Hamlet reference. And a great one if you’ve read Hamlet). Basically, he’s just an annoying jabber mouth he needs to zip it after so many words.

3. Count Dracula. What a let down! The first 200-300 pages when our idiot hero, Harker, is in the castle is fran-freakin-tastic! Stoker creates the ultimate supervillian. He’s immortal, he can kill with out conscious (this includes killing babies), he can CREATE immortality in others and control them (“the sisters”, Lucy, Mina, and Renfield for example). Not only that, he can control the four elements on the planet; earth (the boxes of earth Dacula draws strength from), air and water (the giant ass storm that scares the living day lights out of the ship’s crew that Dracula is hitching a ride on), fire (the random bust of flames Harker sees while riding up to Dracula's castle in the beginning of the novel). So to review, our thousand plus year old super villain, who can kill, create immortality in other, and can control the four elements on the planet.

.........He can’t beat three British guys and a Texan. Are you kidding me!?! Now is al seriousness, I use to work at a bar that was frequented by Texas oil rig rednecks and I will say they were pretty scary. But for a supervillian?? Come on now. There is a point in the novel, when Dracula is feeding Mina his blood, they idiot gang burst in. Now this whole scene is just weird. For starters Dracula doesn’t kill the servants (all of whom are female and Dracula loves the ladies) he just knocks them out. Someone drops a bag of money, I forget who. And when Dracula and Mina’s metaphorical oral sex scene is interrupted, he grabs the bag of gold (why??), and tumbles out a window. That’s right he picks up gold and TUMBLES out a window. That is Stoker’s word choice..... tumbles! Our badass supervillian TUMBLES! NO! Toddlers learning how to walk up hill tumble! UGH! Worst of all, the idiot Harker kills Dracula while Dracula is still in his coffin. That’s right the supervillian takes it lying down. 

I’d rant more but I have to eat something and get ready for work. I’ll come back to this later. 

Word Count 1322